It’s been a while since I posted. It took me courage to write again. You see I’m struggling to get out of my rabbit hole. Everything feels difficult.
It’s hard to express what I feel because I can’t explain it. There’s so much hate within me that when I share it with others, they will not understand. I feel this hate not because I enjoy it. Actually, it’s killing me. I get easily annoyed with certain people around me. Living with them is suffocating. Just having them near me is causing my chest to tighten. Their energy feels like a poison to me. Hearing the footsteps in the morning is like a torture. When they open the light, I know my hell starts again.
I don’t want to feel this hate but this is what I’m feeling. It’s not a positive emotion but this is my reality. Being able to write it gives me a little comfort.
It’s raining for a while now, I love it but I hope to see the sun again 🌞
I have no idea. There’s a lot in my mind and yet, I don’t know how to deliberately transform my thoughts into words. My thoughts are trapped in my mind. Struggling to be free. My thoughts are overwhelming at times that it hijacks my state of mind. It creates havoc within me.
This internal pain destroys my spirit all at once. It happens simultaneously that I don’t have a chance to breathe. I’m drowning. As much as I wanted to remove myself from this situation, I’m drowning. I keep on falling in this endless pit. Just when I thought that I hit rock bottom, there’s still a bottomless pit. Never in my mind did I think that I can be drowning and falling at the same time.
Struggling in life and fighting internal battles. I never thought that I’m capable of such things. Two opposing forces that fight and consume my will of hope. Observing myself from afar gives me a sense of clarity. I’m afraid to fall and terrified to drown. Yet, I’m falling fast and drowning in my own ocean.
Allowing myself to follow the flow of life gives me freedom and relief. Yes, I’m falling and drowning but I can feel the transformation within me. I’m not sure. I feel like I’m in a cocoon. I’m turning into something. I hope to turn to something beautiful and humane. I don’t know why I’m even writing this.
I have no idea how I came up with this idea because all I know is I’m afraid. However, I find the courage to turn these insights into words. It feels like I’m falling but flying. I’m drowning and breathing. I guess, magic and miracles happen in-betweens. To give me wonderful capacity to be brave to choose to breathe and fly despite of falling and drowning.
I’m easily swayed and thrown off by challenges and obstacles. Because my spirit vanishes easily when things gets hard, the flame of hope easily dims. I always feel bad whenever I’m experiencing it. I feel expose and vulnerable. The least thing I would like to feel and yet, I’m too familiar with it.
My heart is too fragile that it breaks easily when not handled gently. But, it seems like Phoenix blood runs through my veins that when my own hope burns me, I rise again from the ashes. To protect myself from impending pain, I let go my dreams that I believe that I can’t hold on to. Too afraid to venture on the path of my dreams because I’m terrified to face my own fears. I’m too frightened to see my own reflection. Yes, my own light scares me the most for it will reveal my true self that I’m too scared to confront.
My own light scares me for it will reveal that I’m not the person that I used to believe that I am. It scares me for it will shows me that I’m not living in accordance with who I am. Letting go my preconceived notions about myself and life terrifies me. I’ve been used to with this beliefs and it gives me familiarity. How am I supposed to accept that the truth that I believe that is true is not actually real? How can I accept that I was wrong? How can I let go my eagerness to control? How can I accept my own flaws, scars, and wounds? How can I accept the fact that I have an imperfect understanding? How can I accept that I’m actually a vulnerable being?
My hope dies easily. I give up easily. I get scared easily. I worry a lot. I doubt myself. I always find myself in a wrong path. I get lost easily. I always meet dead ends. I hit rock bottom countless of times. I fail. I lose. I concede. I change my mind easily. I have my insecurities. I compare. My “what ifs” keeps me awake. I bleed easily. I cry easily. I hate myself for being too sensitive. I get dispirited and demotivated easily. Yes, my heart is too weak and vulnerable. I’m too fragile.
Despite my flaws and imperfections, God’s grace and love makes me feel that I’m the most beautiful imperfect and flawed being. I must not discredit my own merit. Because God gifted me with those. God sustains and protects me. My spirit and hope dies easily but God’s love is eternal. He fights with me and allows me to be vulnerable as I can be because He is a good God that I can lean on.
So when my hope dies, a new flower of hope sprouts because God keeps on loving and saving me, all of us.
When I give up, God stands for me because He knows how fragile and terrified I am. He allowed the sufferings and challenges not because He knows I can do it alone, but because He wants me to submit to Him. I am a human so it’s okay if I ask for His intervention and His grace.
I still struggle to grasp the reality. Wondering if I should’ve acted differently. But, no. I’ll do it over and over again. I’ll just probably change on how I allowed it to affects me.
It hurts. Verified my assumptions and wretched my heart. Knowing that that’s my only worth. It made me feel alone more than ever. That I don’t actually belong to everyone. I’m not for everyone. Remembering it still leaves a pang in my heart. Never in my life that I thought I’ll experienced it.
It’s sad that people gives up on me easily when I have all the reasons in the world to leave them but I did not. Because I don’t give up on people easily. Although, with a heavy heart I must get myself out of the door. Because I knew when it’s time to walk away.
I disrespect myself for allowing it to happened. For the sake of loyalty and belief that maybe I’ll be understood. I believe in my capacity to understand yet, I overestimated it. Understanding is a two-way street.
When I distanced myself, no one noticed. No one asked, why? Are they responsible for my behaviour? Nope. But, they are accountable for their actions. I’ve been afraid to confront people on emotional level because they will never get it. Because they are not ready for that discussion.
I realized that no matter how much I open parts of my soul to others, they will never decipher its depth and how it meant to me. Simply because they don’t see me as I see them, and as I see myself.
I’ve been feeling so alone. The connection we’ve created was like a band-aid. I’m so ecstatic knowing that another soul see me on a different light. I was wrong. I don’t want to feel bad that I trust people and share them bits of me. I should’ve not curate myself in accordance with their likeness. My tendency to please others because I’m too afraid that if I appear too emotional and sensitive, they’ll never like me.
At first I feel bad that some people doesn’t handle the weight of my soul. I don’t oblige them to do it. I just hope that they will respect it even though they don’t understand it fully. That they will hold my hand as I deal with it. I feel the hate and anger because I was hurt. I suffer from emotional puzzles and turmoil. For someone who deals with things emotionally, it’s hard. Especially, if they are not cut for emotional level.
I always chased people even if I’m not the one at fault because as much as I believe that I’m better off alone, I still long for connections with my tribe. But, I wonder why do people easily gives up on me? I’m unconvinced with this thought and it made me feel uncomfortable.
They never asked why? They only see my emotionality and sensitivity. I’m coming from a place of pain and betrayal. It’s really true that putting trust to people will only leads to disappointment. It’s okay. Because we are humans. We learn, accept, and let go.
I’m disappointed but it doesn’t mean that I’ll give up. When I tried to return, I’m left behind.
– She Writes, 2021
Again, no one asked me why. Why I acted and felt that way? How their actions prompted me to have space for myself? For someone who are also an overthinker, simple coldness when not clarified will lead me to different scenarios and interpretations. My mind will wander and creates my own meaning.
When I opened my heart and what I truly feel, I feel like I’m criticized for feeling it. Making me feel that it’s my fault why I feel it. Because no one asked why?
I’m disappointed. Setting expectations might be unfair. However, if they will felt like what I’ve felt. I’ll never make them feel unwanted. I’ll do my best to make them feel that they are not someone whom I can easily let go when things get hard and when emotions are intense. I’ll never give up without trying.
They don’t understand how hard it is to tell what’s on my mind. I’m telling it because I’m trying to mend the connection. But, they made me feel that it was beyond repair. Is it? I feel like I’m no longer beneficial and of no use. I struggle to accept it. Slowly, I learn how to live with the pain.
I’m disappointed but all I hope to hear is, “I’m sorry.” Because they never said sorry and feel sorry. That they will respect the space I created to heal myself. From the pain I felt. Although, no matter how many times I’ll open my heart, they will just see it as too much. They never try. Just like that, they let go my hand.
I can’t do anything with it anymore. I can’t force things. Some will only understand according to the level of their comprehension. It’s okay.
I guess, those people who is meant to stay in my life will never see me as too much. Moreover, I must not based my value from others. My happiness is my choice. My actions are my responsibility. I can’t expect everyone to understand my journey and where I’m coming from because we all have enough on our plates.
There will be always right timing for everything. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s a bravest act of all. However, it’s okay if we don’t forgive easily because in time we will. I feel guilty whenever I feel upset and feel bad about people and situation when they hurt me. I thought I’m a “bad” person for not forgiving them right away. I learned to give my emotions chance to simply be it. There is no rush. It’ll probably takes time but it will be right ✨
Where I must start? Will I be able to find my way back? Which path I must take to reach home?
Hi, everyone! I’m hoping that you all stay safe and healthy. I really struggle writing these past few days and I’m not even feeling myself lately. It’s really difficult. My chest feels heavy. I’m feeling gloomy and down. This phase that I have now is very draining and dispiriting.
Sometimes, I really don’t understand what I truly feel and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what’s hurting anymore. I’m hoping to share light and kindness through my writings, I apologize that this is depressing.
I’ll be fine, eventually. Thank you for always stopping by on my page.
This experience of mine humbles me and reminds me that God’s grace really sustains me. I’m grateful for that.