With my quest in life, I’ve gained insights and realization. There are lessons that I learned in a hard way and I found wisdom in the most unexpected way. Sometimes, I feel like I’m an old soul in the body of a 23 years old being; as if I’m in the wrong century.
As I continue with my journey in this lifetime, I gain realizations and learnings from my experiences. Simple lessons and insights that shapes me and shifts my perspective.
Mental Health is Essential
I’m used to solving my own problems and a typical self-reliant being. I always believe that I can do everything alone. But, all the negative feelings piled up because I really have the tendency to bottle up my emotions because I thought this is the best way to maintain peace. I thought that just because I’m able to carry on in life despite all the storms and chaos within me means I’m handling my emotionality very well. I always take pride in being able to handle everything alone, that I don’t need help from anyone. I overestimate my capacity to manage all hardships in my life because I know that I can surpass it again. I’ll handle it because I know myself all too well. I’m so focused facing all kinds of battle being thrown at me because I always know that I can rely on myself.
I was wrong. I overlooked my own cry for help. I disregard my well-being and romanticize my capacity to face all of my own battles alone. I relied on myself so much that I didn’t notice what I truly feel. I’m so busy proving that I’m invincible that I’m a hero of my own. Did not allow vulnerability and any weakness. Feeling bad whenever I feel negative feelings and I always rationalize everything. Worst, I became afraid to let go of my own pain and sufferings because I feel like this is the only thing that makes me feel alive. I became afraid of my own light. I’m so afraid to see the other side of my pain and wounds.
There, I realized that it’s okay to be vulnerable. To help myself, I invested in counseling. I’m able to attend two sessions but this pandemic happened. I lost income so I’m not able to support myself and avail another session. But, I’m grateful that I’m able to attend counseling even for a short while because it helps me to let go some baggage in my life that I’m not supposed to carry.
Sometimes I go back to that counseling room and recall what I feel whenever I’m experiencing another distress. Because yes, life will alway have problems. I’m recalling that feeling of serenity and liberation.
I think it is much easier for me to have a clear vision when I’m in session but the real challenge is the application of my discovery when I’m out and facing my life.
Yes, asking for professional help is very important and helpful. I still have my troubles but, I’m learning how to manage it appropriately but there still days that I can’t deal with it properly. That’s why in those days, I’m doing my best to be more gentle with myself.
Our mental health is essential, so let us not compromise when it comes to it.
– She Writes, 2021
It’s okay not to face every battles
You see, I’m the kind of person who faces every battle in my life. I spent all of my energy trying to win all of it.
It took me a while before I realized that there are battles that are not worth fighting for. Because it is not my battle in the first place.
– She Writes, 2021
I’m learning how to choose my battles wisely and accepting defeat when I fail. I don’t know, sometimes I’m wondering if there are battles that we need to forfeit because it is not worth it and it’s taking too much of my mental peace. There are also battles that even if I lose, still I feel like I’m a winner because I gained so much insight when I lost.
I guess it’s really about the matter of perspectives and acceptance of reality that there are things that are not meant to be. Although, I still struggle and stumble but, I’m not beating myself too much.
Learning to be present
I know that it’s okay to think about the future but as for me, to escape the pain of my current situation, I always look forward to the future as if it’s the only solution.
By doing it, I’m bypassing the importance of my present. Not living at the moment makes me miss the beauty of simply being present. I feel like I’m not actually living because I’m too worked up about my future and that’s the only thing that matters.
I didn’t realize that what I’m doing at present will impact my future. I’m slowly learning to be more grateful with what I have at the moment and live every minute of my present.
I’m letting go of my fears about the future and forgiving myself for being harsh with myself because I feel like I’m not doing any progress.
– She Writes, 2021
Changing my narrative
I’m learning how to see my circumstances in a new lens. Changing how I narrate my problem saturated story and identify how I respond with it. Well, I find it really hard because I have the tendency to be rigid and I struggle to reframe my perspectives. Once I decided with a specific belief, I’ll stand for it no matter what.
Yet, because of my previous experiences, I’m learning to change my patterns and you know, be a little more flexible when it comes to life.
Learning to listen to others and not to push my ideas to them (haha I’m so guilty for this).
Changing my frame of reference helps me how I tell my story and lessen my poor man’s mindset and change my victim mentality.
Usually, I’m always wounded and suffered in my story. I’m always the protagonist and yes, it’s really hard for me to accept that there are times that I’m actually the villain.
– She Writes, 2021
Honestly, I’m taking my time to accept that reality because I realize that there’s another side of the narrative. It’s not always about my narrative.
It’s okay to be lost in life
It’s really a difficult situation and I’ve been there so many times. Actually, I still find myself feeling lost in life, again. All of my dreams, directions, and plans in life, I feel like it’s vague at the moment.
Seriously, I’m feeling bad because of what I feel. I’m the person who needs immediate results, answers, and explanations. I don’t have high tolerance with uncertainty. The reason why I’m feeling this way is because I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m feeling lost more than ever because I want to achieve success in an instant. Which is not appropriate.
But then, I’m practicing to be still even in this labyrinth. Embracing the phase wherein I have no idea what will happen in my life. At this very moment, I’m letting go of my willingness to be in control in everything in my life. I’m not a master of control haha.
This feeling of being lost leads me to find life and establish my faith that despite this uncertainty with faith, I can keep going and stay alive as well as to live this moment.
– She Writes, 2021
I don’t know everything
This is the most humbling learning. I always thought that I was able to know everything but girl, I’m not. I will never ever know and understand everything in my life. Newsflash, it’s okay if I don’t know everything.
This Ms. Know-It-All was knocked out by reality and learned to be more humble. Accepting this helps me to let go of my tendency to be in control because before, I’m really afraid with the element of surprise because I don’t know how I will assert myself in unexpected scenarios in my life. I really have this urge to explain everything that is happening in my life and needing to learn immediately what life is trying to tell me.
I’m highly-opinionated and I really have say in everything and anything under the sun. I guess I’m exaggerating too much haha.
Well, with my encounter in life, I realized the importance of humility.
Accepting that there are things that are really difficult to understand. There are answers that will take a long period of time before I understand.
– She Writes, 2021
I mean, I’m not a supreme being so it’s okay if I don’t have answers for everything.
Miracles and blessings happens everyday in my life
I’m too focused on the negativity of my life that I overlooked the everyday blessings and miracles that are happening in my life.
It’s a blessing that I wake up this morning and write this. Everyday, God is saving and loving me for who I am. I don’t need to be something else in His eyes because I will always be enough for Him. His love is a miracle that keeps me alive.
I’m learning how to cherish more my life and use it to glorify Him. I’m a sinner and imperfect but His divine grace keeps my heart singing the song of faith. God is good all the time.
So, I will entrust everything to Him and do my best to listen this time and not to push what I want haha.
Allowing Him to write a story that is meant for me. I’ll learn to stop nudging Him to write the story that I want. Instead, do my best to be the woman that is worthy of the story that He is writing and creating for me.
– She Writes, 2021
There’s still a lot for me to learn and to discover as I continue with my journey here. New story that is about to unfold. More blessings and abundance that will manifest. I’m grateful for everything that happens and I’m doing my best to simply live my life.
Thank you for taking your time to read my long post and I hope that I impart something beautiful to all of you.
When I was young, I thought that at 23,I’m able to figure out “EVERYTHING” in my life.
By this age, I have a stable career and I’m in pursuit of my passion. At 23, I’m living in accordance with my purpose.
You see, I’m so worked up finding my purpose and doing things that I’m passionate about. I thought that I should live with purpose and passion that I forgot how to feel alive; how to live life and be present.
At this point of my life, I’m wondering how far I’ve become. Assessing my life, I’m far from my dreams but I believed that I’ve come so far. Still, I’m a victor despite my circumstances. I’ve had my experiences of being alive and being a human.
Adversity and pain humbles me and reminds me that to be human, it’s okay to be vulnerable. I think I have an issue with vulnerability. I created walls and fortresses to protect myself and to be seen as vulnerable. I had this urge to always fight and be strong because in that manner, no one will see me as weak. I always hate feeling vulnerable because I’m afraid to see myself in a worst state. I feel like acknowledging my weakness means surrendering and being a failure. I hate losing.
But, as I continue to figure out myself and my dynamics as human. I learned that, it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to experience defeat and failure. It’s okay to surrender. It’s okay to let my guard down. It’s okay if I choose not to fight.
Because accepting all the things that makes me feel weak and vulnerable is strength.
Yes, at 23, I’m still struggling to figure out life and find my path. I’ve come so far and reach this point because this is how life is supposed to be.
I guess, I’m letting go of my pursuit of my purpose and passion because I’m choosing life. I’m choosing to be present and simply be here at the moment.
I’m still learning how to fully let go, accept, forgive. I think this is the beauty of being a human.
Being lost at 23 and then later on being found. Life is supposed to live, not to be figured out, I guess.
I’m grateful for my words For my thoughts and reflections Always fascinated with the beautiful stories of my soul I’m most grateful to the Lord, for He allowed me to experience how to be a human, how to be alive.
There are still days wherein I hardly accept my flaws and imperfections Whenever I looked into the mirror I struggle to love what I see However, I learn how to be much stronger and braver Because every time I’m finding myself again in the same situation I courageously tell to myself how wonderful and amazing I am I’ll never get tired reminding myself my worth I’ll be more gentle with myself in those moments
I’m still in the process of letting go all of my fears and worries I still get afraid from time to time Practicing to be more understanding and forgiving whenever I fail and fall I’m a human and I’m learning.