White looks clean and pure. I’m always fascinated by it’s purity and cleanliness. It’s always pleasing in the eyes. I feel at ease whenever i am seeing it. It’s also signifies cure because doctors and nurses are usually wearing this color.

There are also people in my life that are wearing white coat. I rely to them when i feel sick. I depend on them when i feel weak. I’m a little bit hesitant but i learn how to trust those people in white.I badly needed someone to hold on.

So, with the stethoscope at their hand, i allow them to listen to my heartbeats. I give them freedom to know and count the rhythm of my scarred and wounded heart. Because i want to heal.

Healing is what i am seeking. They give me a dose of medicine. I felt the relief. I believe i’m okay now. There will be someone that is always willing to listen to the melody of my heart. Finally, i found someone to rely on, a shoulder i can rely on. Those persons in white coat.

Little did i know, those medicines have side effects. I’m asking for more. I’m depending too much.I’m starting to be attach and dependent unto them. I let myself revolves unto it. As if it’s the only thing that can makes me feel alive.

That short period of feeling alive has its consequences. I feel more dead inside. They gave me false prognosis and now they are terminating their responsibility to me. They made me feel that i’m no hope instead.

Doubts, confusion, and ambiguity started to creep in my system. I forgot who i am. I forgot my own worth that i’m cherishing before they arrive in my life.

I started to feel guilty and upset for feeling too much. I feel confuse for allowing myself to let them know the harmony of my heart. I trust them easily. I believe them easily. I allow them to invalidate and underestimate what i truly feel and my reality as a person.

Now, I reap the consequences.

But, i’m afraid to let go of their hands. I’m scared because i don’t want to lose them. I became used to it but in the expense of losing my own worth as a person.

I can’t trade my worth and individuality. Slowly, i know that i will going to finally let go of their hand. The hand that i’m the only one that is holding. I thought their holding me but it’s not.

It’s a tough decision but i must choose what is best for me.

“I’m here”

But, they are pushing me away.

“I’m here”

But, they made me feel the other way around.

“I’m here”

I know they are not there. It’s only a comforting and consoling words for a broken soul that is confiding her sorrow. 

Soon, I will wear my own white coat.

Published by She Writes

She's a dreamer. Hopes to be lost in oblivion but the truth is, she just wants to be seen and heard. In quest within and lover of life. This, too, shall pass so I will keep going ; I still don't know. I'll rest for the mean time.

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