I keep on holding in the pain of the past because for me it was the only thing that made me feel alive. I let this pain repeatedly hurts me. I allowed it because I thought I deserve it. I always thought that I deserve all the worst things in life. For me, good things are simply not meant for me. Pain is my friend. Sadness is my comfort. Tears is my happiness. No one cares. I don’t feel belong. I feel worthless. I’m just that unwanted and unplanned sunflower planted in the jungle. Since then, rejection became part of me.
No one will going to love me. Everyone will just going to leave me. I’m not destine to be protected instead always meant to be ruined. I feel so broken. I feel so alone. I feel abandoned. I feel trap. It’s so dark. When will shall I see the light? I have my eyes but darkness blinded me. I tried to walk but I just stumbled that’s why I crawled. Wounds cover my body it hurts badly. But, hurting is not new to me. I been hurt for far too long. Physical pain won’t equal the internal pain. Wounds in the heart can gives excruciating pain. It’s much deeper. Too painful that I just want to stop. It seems ceaseless.
I feel hopeless to the point that I just want to end everything. I feel too much. I’m tired with this emotion. I just want to feel numb. To feel nothing. I screamed but there is no voice. I cried for help but no one hears. I realized that, no one will going to find and save me. All I have is myself.
I reached the end of the tunnel, but the light scares me. So I walk eyes closed. Afraid, I am always afraid. I am afraid of the possibilities. I keep on walking but I can’t feel myself anymore. No one will going to value a person with a broken pieces. It has no value. No one will dare to handle those sharp edges because it will just cut them. I feel tired. I feel so broken but they continue to break me into pieces. I want to stop. I want to end my misery.
So, I killed myself.
I kill the negative part of myself. I don’t know where to start. But, slowly I started to pick my pieces and embrace it. I want to rebuild myself. I’m petrified because I’m lost but what scares me the most is to lost myself. I begin with my self. Life grows within.
I’m broken but I still have myself. I won’t let the pain hurts me repeatedly. I’ll be in control. Somehow, I can make a change. I have a choice.
The past causes me so much pain and wound. Wounds that needed continuous healing. But, things will get better. It will always.
Now, I open my eyes.
I’m not afraid of the light anymore. I learn how to handle and follow it. I started to understand. I am here for a reason. I have purpose. It just that reality really hurts. This, life is really difficult indeed. Now, I’m letting go the pain of the past. I won’t let it to control me anymore. It became big part of me and helps me to be become the person of today. It builds and shapes me. But, I’m letting it go. I will stop holding on it. Because there are other beautiful things that will going to make me feel alive. I’m setting myself free from the past. It’s time to fly and discover more the mystery of life. My life is worth a chance. My life is worth fighting for.
Now, finally I found my solitude and finally I’m home. I’m home with myself.