I still struggle to grasp the reality. Wondering if I should’ve acted differently. But, no. I’ll do it over and over again. I’ll just probably change on how I allowed it to affects me.
It hurts. Verified my assumptions and wretched my heart. Knowing that that’s my only worth. It made me feel alone more than ever. That I don’t actually belong to everyone. I’m not for everyone. Remembering it still leaves a pang in my heart. Never in my life that I thought I’ll experienced it.
It’s sad that people gives up on me easily when I have all the reasons in the world to leave them but I did not. Because I don’t give up on people easily. Although, with a heavy heart I must get myself out of the door. Because I knew when it’s time to walk away.
I disrespect myself for allowing it to happened. For the sake of loyalty and belief that maybe I’ll be understood. I believe in my capacity to understand yet, I overestimated it. Understanding is a two-way street.
When I distanced myself, no one noticed. No one asked, why? Are they responsible for my behaviour? Nope. But, they are accountable for their actions. I’ve been afraid to confront people on emotional level because they will never get it. Because they are not ready for that discussion.
I realized that no matter how much I open parts of my soul to others, they will never decipher its depth and how it meant to me. Simply because they don’t see me as I see them, and as I see myself.
I’ve been feeling so alone. The connection we’ve created was like a band-aid. I’m so ecstatic knowing that another soul see me on a different light. I was wrong. I don’t want to feel bad that I trust people and share them bits of me. I should’ve not curate myself in accordance with their likeness. My tendency to please others because I’m too afraid that if I appear too emotional and sensitive, they’ll never like me.
At first I feel bad that some people doesn’t handle the weight of my soul. I don’t oblige them to do it. I just hope that they will respect it even though they don’t understand it fully. That they will hold my hand as I deal with it. I feel the hate and anger because I was hurt. I suffer from emotional puzzles and turmoil. For someone who deals with things emotionally, it’s hard. Especially, if they are not cut for emotional level.
I always chased people even if I’m not the one at fault because as much as I believe that I’m better off alone, I still long for connections with my tribe. But, I wonder why do people easily gives up on me? I’m unconvinced with this thought and it made me feel uncomfortable.
They never asked why? They only see my emotionality and sensitivity. I’m coming from a place of pain and betrayal. It’s really true that putting trust to people will only leads to disappointment. It’s okay. Because we are humans. We learn, accept, and let go.
I’m disappointed but it doesn’t mean that I’ll give up. When I tried to return, I’m left behind.
– She Writes, 2021
Again, no one asked me why. Why I acted and felt that way? How their actions prompted me to have space for myself? For someone who are also an overthinker, simple coldness when not clarified will lead me to different scenarios and interpretations. My mind will wander and creates my own meaning.
When I opened my heart and what I truly feel, I feel like I’m criticized for feeling it. Making me feel that it’s my fault why I feel it. Because no one asked why?
I’m disappointed. Setting expectations might be unfair. However, if they will felt like what I’ve felt. I’ll never make them feel unwanted. I’ll do my best to make them feel that they are not someone whom I can easily let go when things get hard and when emotions are intense. I’ll never give up without trying.
They don’t understand how hard it is to tell what’s on my mind. I’m telling it because I’m trying to mend the connection. But, they made me feel that it was beyond repair. Is it? I feel like I’m no longer beneficial and of no use. I struggle to accept it. Slowly, I learn how to live with the pain.
I’m disappointed but all I hope to hear is, “I’m sorry.” Because they never said sorry and feel sorry. That they will respect the space I created to heal myself. From the pain I felt. Although, no matter how many times I’ll open my heart, they will just see it as too much. They never try. Just like that, they let go my hand.
I can’t do anything with it anymore. I can’t force things. Some will only understand according to the level of their comprehension. It’s okay.
I guess, those people who is meant to stay in my life will never see me as too much. Moreover, I must not based my value from others. My happiness is my choice. My actions are my responsibility. I can’t expect everyone to understand my journey and where I’m coming from because we all have enough on our plates.
✨🌼✨
She Writes: Tale of A Dreamer 