I’m easily swayed and thrown off by challenges and obstacles. Because my spirit vanishes easily when things gets hard, the flame of hope easily dims. I always feel bad whenever I’m experiencing it. I feel expose and vulnerable. The least thing I would like to feel and yet, I’m too familiar with it.
My heart is too fragile that it breaks easily when not handled gently. But, it seems like Phoenix blood runs through my veins that when my own hope burns me, I rise again from the ashes. To protect myself from impending pain, I let go my dreams that I believe that I can’t hold on to. Too afraid to venture on the path of my dreams because I’m terrified to face my own fears. I’m too frightened to see my own reflection. Yes, my own light scares me the most for it will reveal my true self that I’m too scared to confront.
My own light scares me for it will reveal that I’m not the person that I used to believe that I am. It scares me for it will shows me that I’m not living in accordance with who I am. Letting go my preconceived notions about myself and life terrifies me. I’ve been used to with this beliefs and it gives me familiarity. How am I supposed to accept that the truth that I believe that is true is not actually real? How can I accept that I was wrong? How can I let go my eagerness to control? How can I accept my own flaws, scars, and wounds? How can I accept the fact that I have an imperfect understanding? How can I accept that I’m actually a vulnerable being?
My hope dies easily. I give up easily. I get scared easily. I worry a lot. I doubt myself. I always find myself in a wrong path. I get lost easily. I always meet dead ends. I hit rock bottom countless of times. I fail. I lose. I concede. I change my mind easily. I have my insecurities. I compare. My “what ifs” keeps me awake. I bleed easily. I cry easily. I hate myself for being too sensitive. I get dispirited and demotivated easily. Yes, my heart is too weak and vulnerable. I’m too fragile.
Despite my flaws and imperfections, God’s grace and love makes me feel that I’m the most beautiful imperfect and flawed being. I must not discredit my own merit. Because God gifted me with those. God sustains and protects me. My spirit and hope dies easily but God’s love is eternal. He fights with me and allows me to be vulnerable as I can be because He is a good God that I can lean on.
So when my hope dies, a new flower of hope sprouts because God keeps on loving and saving me, all of us.
When I give up, God stands for me because He knows how fragile and terrified I am. He allowed the sufferings and challenges not because He knows I can do it alone, but because He wants me to submit to Him. I am a human so it’s okay if I ask for His intervention and His grace.