Being true to yourself is the best thing you can do. Your self is your companion. That is why it is essential to understand the complexity and paradox of you. It is somewhat challenging but the result is beneficial. How ironic, understanding and discovering your self is difficult. Possibly because you are afraid to know what lies within. You are afraid to uncover your own ghost and weakness. We are all afraid to discover the reason why, we are acting like that or feeling this way. Tracing the root is sometimes very painful. But, it is the only way so that we can understand the concept of our self.
Actually, unlocking the mystery of our self needed continuous discovery because as a human we are dynamic. We do not remain in that way. Our experiences changes our perspectives and even our behavior. Still, our dominant personality will remain no matter what changes we undergo and I think it’s beautiful. That is our trademark and makes us different from the rest. So, patience is also vital. We need to be patient with ourselves. We should not give up on ourselves. Also, no matter what other people tell you, it will never ever define who you are as a person. Don’t mind them especially, if they only pointing negative aspect of you or underestimating or even discouraging you. You are the only who is capable to know the truth about you. Their words won’t matter as long as you know your own concept. They will just like a bees that buzz negative things. They are buzzing because you are too sweet. Don’t believe on the naysayers. Believe in you. Yes, be confident and be you. You are more than what they are saying. Learn to love yourself as well.
It may difficult on first attempt but later on, you can fully understand yourself and you won’t be afraid to face your own ghost and you will use your weaknesses as an opportunity to build strong self-concept. Because you are the one who is in charge in making the concept of your self.
Every day we encounter different kinds of people. We met tons of people. With their uniqueness as well as their set of problems and principles in life.
Some of them appear very strong, some of them are very jolly and some are lonely. Their emotion varies. But, do we ever wonder how we affect them? Do we help them or add their pain. We can’t tell how that certain individual face in that particular time or moment. Because a smile and laughter doesn’t define real happiness. I guess, we really need extra dose of kindness and sensitivity.
We can’t assure that because they are smiling or laughing out loud means they are really happy. It is more easy to fake happiness than to explain why you are sad. It is difficult to answer questions that even you, yourself are afraid to know the answers. It is not easy to explain our feelings and battles because not everyone will understand and it’s okay my dear.
Sometimes it is much better to hide our true feelings wherein you are the only one who knows it and so, you face it silently. So, be good to yourself. At that moment, the only choice you have is to be strong for yourself. You need to be brave no matter how afraid you are. You are the only one who can save yourself. Self-love my dear.
Facing your own battle will never be easy. It’s difficult. That’s the reality. But, you know what, all of your sacrifices will be worth it. You can surpass it. Everything will be fine. Maybe not now but eventually. Feel it. Even the sad emotions. Give yourself enough time to feel. So, my little wounded fighter keep on fighting. You’re a life fighter.
Right now, you feel very anxious even on the little things. You feel stress and afraid. But, i also know the fact that you are doing your best to get a good grip with your self and bring the best out of you.
I will never tell you to be relax. Because, i can’t blame you for feeling that way. You are struggling over little things and overthink a lot. The storm is bothering you again. You are under the catastrophe again and you are doing your best to withstand its intensity.
Standing after falling is a simple act of courage. You don’t need to be perfectly brave in order to face the raging storm. All you need is that little faith and hope to carry on. This too shall pass. Don’t waiver.
Everyday is a battle for me that I needed to won. I always struggle to continue with my life. I’m exhausted and I want to end everything. Each day, I simply breath and not living anymore. This is the storm that will never end. It will be always within me. This is the kind of battle that is not visible to the naked eyes. As for them, I’m doing just fine. But, being okay is only superficial for me. That’s far from my current reality. Inasmuch, I’m not okay at all.
Verily, I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel this. I’m doing my best to deal with it but as I struggle I’m also living with this sadness of mine. The whirling of my feelings make me fall deeply with the blackhole. Wherein darkness is my only companion. I want to get out from this endless blackness but ironically, it became my safe haven. I became afraid of the light, for it reveals my ugly reality. It’s awful seeing how grotesque my truth is.
For no one will see the unaesthetic reality of my being, cause if they envision it they will run out of fear. No one will love and accept my repugnant truth. I’m too broken to be fixed. Sadly, as much as I want to be fix, no one understands my agony. For them, it was just an ordinary phenomenon. I can’y force them to help me as what I’m doing, forcing myself to survive. To atleast, give life another chance to win.
One day, everything is figure out. I’m convinced what I really want in my life. I’m full of spirit that I’ll fight for my dreams no matter what.
But, most of the time, I keep on asking myself. What is really my purpose in my life?
I feel like, I keep on failing to answer this question. I’m seeking answers but found none.
Choices. Life is a choice. Yes. But, is it really worth it? I’m doubting my choices and keeps on regretting.
I am full of what ifs.
There are times wherein I feel empty and wondering. I want to fulfill my purpose. But, what is really my purpose?
My life seems like a trial and error. I always made a decision and stand firm but I always met dead end.
I always back. Back to zero. Square one. I’ll attempt again to seek my purpose.
My choices made me unhappy and lead me to more questions.
Is it because I’m not contented? Is it because I keep on looking for things that is not worth looking for?
I have no idea. Things are vague and maybe too afraid to know what lies within.
Fear, again. This fear keeps bugging me. I know. I must not allow it to control me.
I’ll just close my eyes and continue my search.
“Know thy self”
I feel like, it is always difficult to know deeper yourself because there is that resistance that prevents you from knowing your deepest truth. I feel like there is that certain barriers that stop you from being in depth because the painful and ugliest truth also lies within. Truth than even you, yourself don’t want to know.
Digging the self will never be easy. We need a lot of courage to finally face, who we truly are. Because as we deal with our self depth, we also need to deal with the remnants of the past, the pain the we buried, and our own darkness that we are afraid to face. All of our repressed feelings and everything that we must finally deal with. Well, it doesn’t mean that we will face all of it, we can do it one at a time. Just prepare our self and be willing to deal with it or compromise with it. We can’t turn the time. Things already happened and we already had our regrets but we can still do something with our present life and for the future.
But, it is necessary to be well-connected and be harmonize with our self. Because we need it to face the everything and obstacle of life. It will never be selfish to prioritize yourself and save it from the pain because it deserve our love- SELF-LOVE.
It deserve the naked truth of us and it deserve an apology for us. Because our self is hurt the most. We are being too hard and difficult to our self and blame it from everything. But, we must refrain from doing it. It needs tender, love, care, and genuine happiness.
Let’s assess the condition of our self. Let’s be gentle with thy self.
But, no matter how much truth and reality that we discovered to our self. We must accept it without preconceive notions. Because that is who we are.
From now on, I will start to stop condemning myself. Stop feeling sorry for what i feel. Stop feeling sorry for being who I am.
I fell in love with your sad eyes
It still vivid to my memories
I can clearly recall the feelings
How deeply fascinated I am with the beauty of your melancholic eyes
It seems like a reflection of mine
I love the idea of us together
Waiting for the day wherein our sadness will finally find its way together
Hoping that our melancholy unite
Creating a stunning sadness
Producing the harmonious song of dolefulness
But, our dreariness doesn’t fit for one another
Your forlorness doesn’t make you feel happy
You didn’t see its aesthetics
You find your way out
Leaving me with the fantasy of us
So, i let you go
Crestfallen i was
I happily watch you, as you drifted away and completely vanish in the vicinity of my glumness
May your parchness be quench by your liberty
Au revoir mi amor
You came at the most unexpected time
At the most unexpected place
You’re unexpected soul
Everything about you is unexpected
But, your existence being unexpected
Results into a very unexpected feelings
It’s surprising and dangerous
I was caught off guard
There was no sign and haphazard
All I know is, I’m already at the danger zone
At the battle field unprepared.
But the thing is, l’m not afraid afterall
In fact I’m willing to take the bullets for you
For someone who don’t invest in this cliche kind feeling
Definitely, it is a big deal
I’m not afraid with the guns
Do you know what scares me?
The reality that certain things
Are not bound to happen
Because it compels the Law of Nature
It will also violates the Law of Magnetism
We are opposite and same poles at the same time
So, I guess that law won’t apply, right?
Or maybe I’m just using those laws as an excuse
It was my self-created law that forbids me
But, it is not really meant to exist
It was all just a wishful thinking
If disclosing to you is a self-destruction
Oh man! I’m more than willing to destroy myself.
It is a great risk that I wil take in my lifetime
The unknown that I’ll embrace
But, I’m rooted in reality.
And that is enough to stop this foolishness
Reality is really excruciating.
You were struggling alone and you feel lost. But, i want you to know that i am always here for you. Talk to me. I am willing to listen to you. It’s time that you must face what you are feeling squarely. You can’t deal with it if you keep on switching topics just because you don’t want to talk about it. Just because you don’t want sad topics. For now, stop filtering what you feel. Let it flow. Let it go, my dear. Now, stop fixing others because you are the who needed to be fix.
Stop projecting what you feel to others. Because what you are seeing, feeling, and telling is all about you. You are seeing the reflection of your self. Stop running away from the eye of the storm. This is the time, that you must feel its intensity. Dance with the sounds of the thunder and be one with the wind. Don’t let this cold bother you again. Loosen up my dear.
Give yourself time to be vulnerable because you can’t always be strong all the time. Let your guard down. Put down your armor and pour out your emotions. Let your tears flow and water the barren fields of melancholy. It’s time to free your self from holding you to remain firm and let your vulnerability surface. It won’t make you less of a human. Because being vulnerable and having emotions means being alive.
I know that you feel dead inside but let your faith makes you feel alive again. But, you must accept what you feel first. You must face-to-face the monster that you were afraid of. You can’t be afraid forever. It’s time to face your fears. It’s time to conquer it.
Everything about you, the past, pain, sadness, brokenness, and woundedness will always be forever part of you. I know. But, don’t let it define you.Don’t let it control you.
You are not bad. Trust me. You are not a bad person, daughter/son, sister/brother, granddaughter/son, student, friend and the like. You are beautifully you. It just happen that you made mistakes. It doesn’t mean that you are bad. You are enough. You are amazing. You are wonderfully made. You are rare. You are human.
ALWAYS REMEBER THAT I’M JUST HERE.
I have my dark side that i am afraid to show to the world. It was hidden in the deepest pit of my being. This truth of mine makes me afraid. I am afraid when finally step out of the dark. But, i been living in the dark for far too long, is it still capable of breaking me? I was already broken into minute pieces repeatedly, breaking again will never be anew. I shouldn’t be alarm.
Then, i realized that it is not about being broken again or breaking. This is a matter of acceptance of my darkness. As i accept my sadness, i must embrace as well that darkness of mine.
This is part of my being. This is my truth that i must accept. Because i must have the initiative to be friendly with that reality. I can’t always run away. It’s time for me to face it. Because my darkness also deserves acceptance and it deserves to see the light. Because just like me, it’s a also a prisoner. I locked it up and it box me up, as well as limits me to cross the line.
It will never be easy to face the reality but yes, the truth will set you free and i must also free the truth.
To be nakedly true, i must take off my mask. Let my vulnerability be expose and be bare. It will hurt me but it will also bring light and acceptance. I must also stop justifying my actions and emotions just let it as it is.
I’m a liar. I’m a pretender. I’m insecure. I feel inferior. I’m jealous. I’m not contented. I’m evil. I talk back. I’m a difficult child. I’m hypocrite. I’m stubborn. I’m lazy. I’m judgmental. I’m good for nothing. I’m worthless. I’m useless. I’m arrogant. I’m boastful. I’m bossy. I’m selfish. I’m full of myself. I always feel like i’m correct. I’m ambitious. I’m a coward. I blame people. I hate. I’m easily upset. I’m easily annoyed. I talk behind the back of others. I gossip. I speak ill to others. I’m not really nice. I dwell in the past. I hate myself. I hate my reality. I’m not a good daughter. I’m not a friend. I’m not a good person. I always as for more in life. I’m conscious. I thought i’m much better from others. I’m not considerate. I’m cold-hearted I please people. I’m a freak. I’m not religious. I think of killing myself. I always feel like giving up. I don’t deserve the goodness of others. I don’t deserve to be love. I don’t deserve to be called kind. I don’t deserve to be called understanding. I don’t deserve to be complimented. I don’t deserve to be acknowledge and recognize. I don’t deserve anything. I deserve less. I’m a bad person. I’m good at being bad. I’m good at being such a disappointment. I’m far from being good enough. I am full of darkness.
But, i need to free myself from all of it, right? It will be forever part of me but it doesn’t mean i must settle for it. Just because of that labels, it doesn’t mean that it will be my entire truth. Some of it is probably from the perception of others that i believed and became my reality. Ooops sorry, I shouldn’t justify it. My bad.
It’s time for me to let the light shines on it. It’s time to recreate and renew myself. The thing is, I learned from it. It helps me grow into the person i am today and experiences as well as life lessons will help me to be a better person in the future and even everyday.
I’m not rigid. I’m dynamic. I’m growing. I’m changing for the better. I’m developing. I’m evolving. I’m in the process of becoming.