WHITE COAT

White looks clean and pure. I’m always fascinated by it’s purity and cleanliness. It’s always pleasing in the eyes. I feel at ease whenever i am seeing it. It’s also signifies cure because doctors and nurses are usually wearing this color.

There are also people in my life that are wearing white coat. I rely to them when i feel sick. I depend on them when i feel weak. I’m a little bit hesitant but i learn how to trust those people in white.I badly needed someone to hold on.

So, with the stethoscope at their hand, i allow them to listen to my heartbeats. I give them freedom to know and count the rhythm of my scarred and wounded heart. Because i want to heal.

Healing is what i am seeking. They give me a dose of medicine. I felt the relief. I believe i’m okay now. There will be someone that is always willing to listen to the melody of my heart. Finally, i found someone to rely on, a shoulder i can rely on. Those persons in white coat.

Little did i know, those medicines have side effects. I’m asking for more. I’m depending too much.I’m starting to be attach and dependent unto them. I let myself revolves unto it. As if it’s the only thing that can makes me feel alive.

That short period of feeling alive has its consequences. I feel more dead inside. They gave me false prognosis and now they are terminating their responsibility to me. They made me feel that i’m no hope instead.

Doubts, confusion, and ambiguity started to creep in my system. I forgot who i am. I forgot my own worth that i’m cherishing before they arrive in my life.

I started to feel guilty and upset for feeling too much. I feel confuse for allowing myself to let them know the harmony of my heart. I trust them easily. I believe them easily. I allow them to invalidate and underestimate what i truly feel and my reality as a person.

Now, I reap the consequences.

But, i’m afraid to let go of their hands. I’m scared because i don’t want to lose them. I became used to it but in the expense of losing my own worth as a person.

I can’t trade my worth and individuality. Slowly, i know that i will going to finally let go of their hand. The hand that i’m the only one that is holding. I thought their holding me but it’s not.

It’s a tough decision but i must choose what is best for me.

“I’m here”

But, they are pushing me away.

“I’m here”

But, they made me feel the other way around.

“I’m here”

I know they are not there. It’s only a comforting and consoling words for a broken soul that is confiding her sorrow. 

Soon, I will wear my own white coat.

Twenty One Years Old Self Speaks

TWENTY 1 AND REALIZATIONS 💮

The sky and sea will always be a perfect combination. It always amaze me and makes me feel tranquil. I feel like I’m always home. Because both, is forever connected to something, something unknown and beautiful. I can be connected to the different part of the world. It’s way too magical for me. I’m part of it and it’s part of me. As i look at the sky and sea, i saw endless possibility. I see myself.

As i continue my life’s journey, i encounter different kind of waves, i witness different view of sky. It’s changing. There’s always a transition. It’s the same sea and sky but it has different perspectives and mystery. There’s always something new to offer. Not stoic. It doesn’t fear change but both of them has always sense of serenity and contentment when i  look at it. 

As I reflect, I realized so many things.

1.  It’s always the sense of victory that many people see. People only celebrates the success and happiness. As someone who is average, i always struggle. I’m aware that i’m not always in my best shape. I’m not the best among the rest. I always face the difficulty of life. I struggle in life, family, friends, finances, academics, career, dreams, and myself. You see, i struggle in everything. But, some people perceives that everything seems easy for me. No, life is never easy to me.

2. Just because a person is strong doesn’t mean they should be always. I’ve gone through my own pain and adversity. It demands me to be strong. Because in order to survive this lifetime i need to stand for myself. But, i can’ t be strong all the time. I’m a strong-hearted weak woman.

3. Some people can handle their own dilemma, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t need help. Because sometimes they are the one who needed it the most. They are the loudest in asking for help but we are blinded by their wide smiles and positivity. Little did we know, they are the one who is breaking the most.

4.  Silence is not awkward. There is something fascinating about it that an introvert person like me loves. It’s the melody that makes my heart and soul dance. It makes my mind shout the loudest. It helps me listen to the sound of universe clearly.

5. People who choose to be alone doesn’t mean they don’t want people in their life. Being alone doesn’t mean sadness. I do love to interact with people, talk to them, and be with them. But, i can’t do it for long period of time. It’s draining and exhausting. Feeling belong sometimes makes me feel overwhelm because i’m not used to it. I’m afraid that things might come to an end and if i completely be me and be attach, they will stop liking me and just leave. Also, there’s joy in solitariness, because that’s the time that i can be genuinely true with my emotions and self. It’s the moment that i’m reconnecting with my truth.

6. Melancholy is not always bad. I find sadness beautiful and i find it as part of me. There will always be part of me that is incline to melancholy. It makes me feel alive and it gives me different views of life. Yes, i’m sad but it doesn’t mean i’m  not happy. Sadness helps me to appreciates more the joy and happiness. It helps me to pay attention to the little things of life  and be appreciative to small things.

7. Being afraid is part of life. It’s okay to feel the fear but we shouldn’t let it to take over or control us. For me, it’s better that we have some sense of fear because it pushes us to do something more. It awakens the warrior and fighter in us. 

8. I need to allow myself to grow and embrace change. Sometimes it will be painful but it will be worth it.

9. I always believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that there are  moments wherein things doesn’t make sense, i can’t comprehend why certain things is happening in me but it gives me lessons that i needed in my journey in this lifetime.

10. Good memories is not always good. There are important people in our life that shared good moments in  us. They are good to us and we cherish them. But, it doesn’t mean that we must keep holding on them just because we love them and because of that good things. We must learn to let go if our value is on the line. We must  not put our self-worth at stake. For me, it’s a big no. Well, i’m always saying that i don’t turn my back to people but i know when to walk away because i know what i deserve.

There is still a lot of things in my mind. Just like the sea, i have certain depth and just like the sky my totality is vast that i can’t really fathom.

Post About 2018

lâcher prise

2018

Definitely a challenging year for me. 

It’s about beginning as well as ending. It’s composed of realizations and hard truth. Tears, confusion, fear, and doubt was very visible. It’s not an easy year but what came to my surprised was that i’m not the only one who felt that. A lot of people experienced that. I’m not alone. But, i knew that we have different share of pain and struggles for this year.

As for me, this is the year wherein, i need to ingest to my being the reality that i’m entering to adulting life. I need to be more responsible and be immerse with that truth. 

This year i felt the kind of lost that shakens me. I have to idea where to go?, where to start? what i’m supposed to do? I even questioned my purpose and reason of being here. I came to the point that i lost my motivation and passion to pursue what i really want to do in my life. My dreamer’s heart even stopped beating and i’m so confused. I’m terrified because i can’t figure out what will i do.

Suddenly felt back to zero. My confidence and esteem came to brink. I even consider giving up my dreams because i felt like i’m incapable. I still have so many things i didn’t know. I’m still lacking in so many aspects of life.

My entirety was shaken and devastated. I have no idea how will i save my self from this fall. I felt the destruction of my totality. How can i form it again. Will i hide again in the comfort of darkness? Will i allow myself to be drown in an invisible sea? WIll i allow again the storm to take over? 

I prayed. I pray. I’m praying.

I ask for help to the Lord.

He never fails me as always.

I’m letting go. 

I’m now ready to let go my love for darkness and romantization for melancholy. This time i’ll be in the light. I am now facing the life with a light. I won’t allow light and darkness be equal. I will allow true light over power. I will face the darkness with the light in my heart. 

So, with faith, hope, and light i am welcoming new tomorrow. My fall is a call for reconstruction and redirection. I’m allowing God to guide me to the right path.

Thank you 2018. Hello 2019

Post About 2018

lâcher prise

2018

Definitely a challenging year for me. 

It’s about beginning as well as ending. It’s composed of realizations and hard truth. Tears, confusion, fear, and doubt was very visible. It’s not an easy year but what came to my surprised was that i’m not the only one who felt that. A lot of people experienced that. I’m not alone. But, i knew that we have different share of pain and struggles for this year.

As for me, this is the year wherein, i need to ingest to my being the reality that i’m entering to adulting life. I need to be more responsible and be immerse with that truth. 

This year i felt the kind of lost that shakens me. I have to idea where to go?, where to start? what i’m supposed to do? I even questioned my purpose and reason of being here. I came to the point that i lost my motivation and passion to pursue what i really want to do in my life. My dreamer’s heart even stopped beating and i’m so confused. I’m terrified because i can’t figure out what will i do.

Suddenly felt back to zero. My confidence and esteem came to brink. I even consider giving up my dreams because i felt like i’m incapable. I still have so many things i didn’t know. I’m still lacking in so many aspects of life.

My entirety was shaken and devastated. I have no idea how will i save my self from this fall. I felt the destruction of my totality. How can i form it again. Will i hide again in the comfort of darkness? Will i allow myself to be drown in an invisible sea? WIll i allow again the storm to take over? 

I prayed. I pray. I’m praying.

I ask for help to the Lord.

He never fails me as always.

I’m letting go. 

I’m now ready to let go my love for darkness and romantization for melancholy. This time i’ll be in the light. I am now facing the life with a light. I won’t allow light and darkness be equal. I will allow true light over power. I will face the darkness with the light in my heart. 

So, with faith, hope, and light i am welcoming new tomorrow. My fall is a call for reconstruction and redirection. I’m allowing God to guide me to the right path.

Thank you 2018. Hello 2019

Gratitude

It’s a process and a choice. Choosing to be grateful despite of the circumstances. Circumstances that will shaken our disposition and perception of life. Life is mysterious. Mysterious and fascinating.

Fascinating because each day, its beauty unfolds. Unfolding and giving us sense of excitement despite of the uncertainty. Uncertain because we have no control on what will happen.

But, gratitude needs practice and awareness. Being aware of all the blessings no matter how small or big it is.

Today, I’m grateful for the new day.

I’m grateful for the new chance to fulfill my dreams.

I’m grateful for the beautiful people and soul around me.

I’m grateful for my inner peace despite of chaos.

I’m grateful for my effort to always choose peace and healing.

I’m grateful to God for His mercy and unconditional love for me, and the world.

How about you? Why are you grateful?

May you always show your gratitude and be always grateful.

That Feeling of Being Stuck

I’m a very ambitious and visionary individual. An individual that always envisions herself to achieve great things. Because I believe that I’m meant for extraordinary things, always.

Yes, I’m a dreamer. I dreamt thousands of possibilities for me and even created timeline for my achievement.

I should graduate with flying colors in college. I should top the board exam. I should learn things easily and conquer whatever circumstances I face. I should be the best. I should be perfect.

The tyranny of the should.

I should be successful and i should achieve more.

I feel like, I’m running out of time. I need to do it and this.

Why am I not achieving anything?

Why all the shoulds and goals that I set for myself is not being met?

Why my progress is being so slow?

I need immediate result!

This can’t be! I’m up for amazing things. I’m meant for great things.

I need to be great! I’m destine to be one.

Then, I realize how I am being eccentric. My dreams and passion is not the one speaking, it is my ego. I’m full of myself.

I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied.

One day, I found myself being stuck.

I have no idea how will I get out from this blackhole. I’m fighting it and the the more I fight, the more it swallows me.

I’m stuck!

Help! I want to get out. The darkness is suffocating me. Tears are running and I’m screaming so loud.

But, no one is listening. No one will save me from this mess.

I am my own hero. I am my own savior.

That’s what I’ve thought.

My heart is swelling. Swelling from the love of God.

I’m not alone. God is with me all throughout my life. He’s my provider and my protector.

I turn to God and surrenders everything to Him.

My life feels meaningless because I’m not using my passion and skills to glorify His name.

I’m stuck because I’m being too focused on earthly things.

I’m stuck because I’m afraid to seek help to Him. I’m turning my back to Him because I thought I can stand alone. Not knowing that my skills, passions, and visions are all God’s gift to me.

I lift my heart to Him and I was saved. He will and will always save me. That is for sure.

I see the light and starts to move.

I’m no longer stuck because His love and grace helps me to keep moving.

 

(Disclaimer: Photo not mine. Source: Pinterest)

On Self-love and Self-respect 🌼

Loving oneself is one of the hardest thing that we could ever do.

Self-love seems to be very difficult. We often neglect ourselves for the sake of pleasing others and meeting the demands of society.

I have my own fair share of self-destructive ways and difficulty in loving my self.

I’m so scared to show who I am and what I love. I’m scared that the world will ridicule me for being who I am.

I was harsh to myself, that was me before. I doubt my capability and skill because I feel like I have none in the first place. Why? Because I keep on comparing myself. I keep on looking for things that I don’t have. In short, I’m not contented. I keep on beating myself because I’m not enough.

I’m not beautiful enough.

I’m not wealthy enough.

I’m not intelligent enough.

I’m not sociable enough.

I’m not talented enough.

The “I’m not enough list” simply goes on.

Yes, I will never be enough in the eyes of society. I will never be enough if I will keep on meeting the societal standards.

But, here’s the truth. I learned that I’m enough for myself.

It takes time before I realize my uniqueness and sense of self.

It’s hard to let go my destructive ways at first and yet, I made conscious effort to love my self.

I respect my self and my individuality. Yes, I’m still growing and learning. I still have my shortcomings and insecurity.

The only difference is that, I no longer beat myself too much. I’m respecting my process and loving my journey.

I’m in no competition nor race to anyone. I’m simply improving for myself and growing to be the best person that I can be. Because I know, I can still be the best.

My journey to self-love and self-respect continues. Its bumpy but I’m learning to adjust and discover more.

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