Thriving

Giving up on my dreams is way more easier than pursuing and fighting for it.

I can just give up and forget being a dreamer. I can just let go everything and focus on my self-destruction.

But, I know better. I know that I’m capable of making things happen. I have a burning passion and determination that will help me thrive and achieve all the things that I wanted in life.

I know myself better that is why I’ll continue to fight for my dreams.

It seems like its the end but I’m just starting.

Changing Slowly

Dreams

It always feel good to dream

I always call myself dreamer. My imagination is wild and rich. I’m very sure of what I want.

I’m ambitious and proud. I always believe that I’m bound for greatness. I feel like, I’m someone who could make a difference.

In my imagination, I’m the epitome of perfection. Flawless and have it all. I couldn’t ask for more.

But, that’s all a fiction. I’m using my imagination and visualization to runaway from my reality. I’m so sick of it.

I’m far from perfect and I’ll never ever be one. I’m full of flaws. I have plenty of insecurities and fears that stops me from doing things.

My fear of judgment stops me from pursuing what I really wanted in this world.

In just a snap, things slowly changes.

That girl who’s very sure and already foresee what she wanted, found herself in the labyrinth.

Barely surviving, trying to redeem and revive her lost dreams.

2019

Page 365 of 365. We have reached the last page of current year. This journey became a roller-coaster ride for me. It just that, it has plenty of going down and sudden fall.

I cried a lot this year. From page 1, my heart was full of fear and pressure. I’m terrified to start the year because it’s the beginning of adulting life. It’s the period of seeking of career that would help me grow personally and professionally.

I struggle and drowned. I can’t breathe from all the waves of emotions that I been through. I’m barely living because I’m just surviving. I tried to swim and hold into small hopes that appear.

2019 scathed and whipped me. My fortress fell and crumbled. Little things made me bleed and wounded.

I tried. I tried despite of the weariness of soul. My heart and mind was exhausted but it’s my soul that became lost. I lost all my hopes and dreams. I became afraid of the light because I became used to darkness. Sadness filled the void in me and closed my heart to happiness because I’m afraid. Afraid that it won’t last.

I screamed but no one heard me. This year, I craved for help and deep understanding but I failed to find. This is the year that I silently stood for myself and cover my wounds with smile.

I felt like, I’m not allowed to feel weak that I must endure, endure, and endure. But, I’m too much familiar with myself. I know that there’s something wrong. With great sorrow, I barely live but I still chose to continue.

2019

It’s hard to me and to everyone. We fought silent battles and won silently. Let’s gave ourselves a commendation for staying and reaching this point of life.

2019 is not just a year of pain, confusion, and failure. Because for me, this is also the year wherein I developed resilience, self-compassion, and self-respect. This is the greatest gift that we could give to ourselves.

2019 is also the year of growth and progress.

2019, thank you. 2020, I am now ready to welcome you.

2020, I’m now willing to accept the challenges and blessings.

Dear God, thank you for this life ✨

Undying Fire of Dreams

7:44 am

It’s a gloomy day. My work is cancelled but I also did some updates.

I prepare my 3 in 1 coffee sits in the dining as I read my Concise Textbook of Clinical Psychiatry.

I always visualizes myself in a white uniform. Wearing a white coat and talking to individuals from different walks of life.

I always believe that I’ll be a doctor. Maybe not a medical doctor, but a doctor of humanity, I guess.

I always believe that I’m capable of understanding the pain and woundedness of other people. I always believe that I’ll help others with their healing because I, myself, is also wounded. I’m a wounded warrior that aims for the healing of others.

I always believe that I’m up for great things and I’m meant to make a difference. I always believe that I’m not just like this, that I’m not for ordinary things because as much I deny it, deep within, I know I’m for extraordinary things.

Since I always feels too much, I know that this fire will stay for eternity. It will keeps on burning. The more I suppress this fire the more it will burns. It’s burning of passion for my dreams and hopes in my life. So, I’m certain that I will always aim for exceptional and great things. I will always dream the extraordinary. I’m in a simple body and mind but my soul is leading me to the unknown and the beauty of my dreams.

I can’t give up. Not just yet. Because I will never satisfy my passion for my dreams if I stop. I’m contented for who I am but I will never ever settle knowing that I can better, knowing the possibility of who I can be.

7:59

I can feel the beat of my heart. Maybe, it’s because of the coffee.

But, I know. My heart yearns for my dreams.

My passion is so strong that I want to cry. Having a dream makes me feel like crying. Because, deep within. I know, I’ll be the person whom I always wanted to be at this very moment.

I wanted to be a Psychiatrist. I need to go to medical school, yes. Financially speaking, impossible. But, I always believe the beauty and hopes from within.

A medical doctor but with a twist, a doctor of humanity.

Life After College Graduation

It’s exciting! Because finally, I can make all of my dreams happen. I’m full of life and ready to conquer this world. I’m full of determination and motivation to turn all of my dreams into reality. I’m close to success.

I’m full of spirit to face whatever obstacles come into my way.

But, I realised how harsh this reality is.

I was slapped by reality and taste the bitterness of truth.

Everything changes. My dreams and hope starts to crumbles. It’s not the reality that I am envisioning for myself.

I became in the constant feeling of being lost.

Yes, I feel lost.

The girl that is full of dreams and vibrant starts to lose her luster and burning passion.

I thinks that’s the greatest heartbreak that you could ever see and feel. To lose yourself in the process or realizing and making your dreams to come true.

My self-esteem is shaken and I start to question my capability and worth as a person. I doubted myself and begin to stop hoping.

I became afraid. Afraid to see the light. Afraid to realize my potentials.

I became afraid to try.

My Life in General

I feel like, I spent my life waiting. I always wait, wait, wait, and wait. It’s exhausting to wait for something that has no assurance.

I thought that there is always timing and I must not be in a hurry. But, waiting game is really a test of patience.

I feel impatient waiting because as I wait, it feels like things simply doesn’t make any sense. Nothing changes. My life is in halt and it’s frustrating.

My First Blog Post

This is me, starting my journey .

It’s time to see what’s beyond my comfort zone .

β€”She Writes , 2019

The most difficult journey that we could ever take is the journey within. Because as you go further, you’ll see the ugly truth of yourself that even, you, yourself is afraid to see.

You tend to hide the hideous truth. As you go along, you’ll encounter all the repressed emotions and fears.

It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

Who am I?

I tend to keep on asking myself and yet, I can’t come up with a definitive answer and description.

I simply want to live and express what I feel through words. I just want to feel fulfilled and belong to something.

I dreamt of creating change but it seems like a wishful thinking so I decided to start the change within.

I wanted to share my personal words and sentiments to the world. That is why, I’m here.

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